To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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