Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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