this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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