do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize