Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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