I wish my penis had an off switch
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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