Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
