Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
