I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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