Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize