More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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