When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
