i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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