I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
