dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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