why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I have peed in a lot of sinks
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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