ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
