i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm both gender and math confused
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
