Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
