today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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