The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
