Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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