I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
