At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize