Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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