Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
