i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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