before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
