i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize