"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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