Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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