She is in my trunk
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
