on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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