I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
