Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
