At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
