You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
