Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
