You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
