I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
