Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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