What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The beer is more important than you right now.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
