worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
