You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
The uberlube is also flammable
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
