Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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