I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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