Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
