From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
