After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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