pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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