i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Also, beer. Big fan.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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