the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize