Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
