Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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