Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Randomize
