I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She needs sedatives and a leash
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize