I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
