oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
