I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
