If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
