and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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