i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
